Everyone in the part of the world I live in asks it: "How are you?"
This question is so much a part of our culture that most of us ask this several times a day without even thinking. Around here, even the faceless voice taking my coffee order in the drive-through asks it. And we don't normally answer honestly. We say something like, "Fine. You?"
This essay is not going to delve into the origins of "How are you?" nor will it offer a cultural explanation for why this question is such a systemic part of our language, but I have to say that of all the things that could and should bug me, "How are you?" nears the top of my list. Perhaps this is because most days, due to the reality that I live with a complicated body which then tends to complicate my life, I can't answer in an honest way. No one really wants to know, or so I tend to believe, how I *really* am. Certainly not the person taking my coffee order. I realize that we don't intend to be insincere. We don't mean to be superficial. Of course we don't. People are generally beautiful beings, after all.
My pragmatic husband would say that we do not have room in our day for every single conversation and expression to be deep and meaningful. He's probably right. We're busy. There is always a lot going on. Furthermore, I am not saying that we should stop saying it. What I am suggesting is that we pay more attention to these words that so easily roll off our tongues, that we ask with genuine concern more often, and that when we do, we lean in and listen. That's when I believe something beautiful might just happen.
wishing you the beauty of meaningful interaction...at least some of the time,
hk
Your pragmatic husband is very… Pragmatic. I agree with him wholeheartedly. Most the time when this topic comes up I find myself choosing the phrase "I have been worse." It's true. It doesn't mean I'm doing well, but it is a socially exceptional way to say, "not bad" even if what I really mean is, "Not very good."
ReplyDeleteThere is a great likelihood that I do not know the person well enough to tell them all the facts, even if they were actually interested in listening.
Like you said, it's not the people are trying to be insincere it's just that the phrase has become less meaningful than it should be and years ago I decided to get in my brain the more truthful response that doesn't invite unwanted conversation.
"I have been worse." Good answer!
ReplyDeleteOf course we are not going to become active, engaged listeners all the time. I'm just suggesting that there is beauty in meaningful interactions and maybe we should do this more often.
And just to restate what I hope is obvious: you can tell me the honest truth of how you are anytime. :)