It has been a difficult few days.
The loss of a beloved friend. 3 different doctor's appointments. Snow. And some things other wheelchair users understand: a burn on my leg from (stupidly) handling a pot of boiling water, a chunk of my thumb that, having been caught on a sharp piece of my new backrest, was left on the track floor from when I went wheeling last week, swollen feet from too much sitting, and spasms keeping me awake at night. And worst: people with misguided attitudes about disability, competence, and help.
For example, as I waited for the doctor on one of the said appointments, a nurse approached me with apologies for the long wait. I said I was fine. "But," she insisted, "I saw you crying." I explained I just checked my email and learned that a friend of mine had passed.
"Oh dear, I'm sorry," she said. "Was she someone who helped you with your chores?"
My first thought was, no, that's what my children are for, but then I saw she wasn't joking. Why would she assume I needed help with my chores, and even if I did, why would that be her first question? Did she think someone would only be my friend because he or she provided help with my chores? I could write a lot about this, but all I will say is: I don't need a lot of help doing chores and when I do, and I ask for that help, I think it demonstrates strength, not weakness. This is true for ALL of us, not just people with disabilities. I believe we are an interdependent species. I think my friend believed that too.
I wanted to say that she helped me all right, because she was the kind of person who had faith in me and who showed up in various ways over and over again to encourage me. She was one of the very first women I ever knew who called herself a feminist, who helped me secure 2 scholarships so I could get an education, who stood up for what she believed in even when, and especially when, it wasn't popular. She was a fiercely proud Canadian who took her citizenship so seriously that she once told me she always voted at advanced polls just in case she died before election day because even if she was dead she wanted her vote to count. Yes, she was a nut. She was beautiful and strong and smart and mighty, and I am better for having known her. So I answered, "Oh, she helped me plenty, but not in the ways you are thinking of."
Wishing you a day to remember the beautiful ways your friends help you,
hk
Well, my lousy week suddenly doesn't look so bad. I'm very sorry for all of your struggles this week, Heather. How can you heal without rest? How can you rest while you're in pain? I know it's a catch 22 we all face.
ReplyDeleteIf there is anything Angie and I can do to help please let us know.
As for misguided opinions about us, one of the saddest parts is that it came from someone who should have been in educated and aware healthcare provider. I hope your gentle response made her think long and hard about what she chose to say. Had you reacted the way I likely would've reacted her ears probably would have slammed shut in defense of an assertive response. I'm impressed how gently you responded to her.