It all started out with my desire to get rid of my roots - those pesky silver streaked, mousy brown roots that were dragging me down. I put the colour in and decided to rinse it all out in the shower.
I have become so accustomed to showering, I hardly ever think about soaking in the tub anymore. We bought our deep jacuzzi tub when we bought our house, and I used to enjoy a warm, jetted soak often. However, that was when the stainless steel hardware fused to my spine was still intact, before my shoulder's rotator cuffs had torn, before my wrists had carpal tunnel syndrome, and before when I had some tone and spasm in my legs that would give me a little "bounce" and therefore assistance to my transfers.
But I do not have that body anymore. The stainless steel rods that stabilized my spine for over 25 years broke in the third trimester of my pregnancy with my daughter. It is a long story, but for the purposes of this blog entry I will say that it was the hardest physical trauma I have ever endured and while the surgeries and bone grafting have left me with a stable spine, the strength I lost has not all been recovered, and I no longer have tone and spasm to help with transfers. Additionally, my left shoulder rotator cuff tore 2 years ago and my wrists developed carpal tunnel syndrome so severe that when nerve conduction tests were last done, there were no readings whatsoever- a difficult thing for a paraplegic who has relied on her shoulders and arms to do the job of both her arms and her legs for the last 37 years.
I am telling you this so you will get a better idea of what it meant when I was rinsing out the colour in my hair and I twisted my body around to turn off the taps, and surprised at just how much force was needed to turn off the leaky one, I lost my balance and fell.
The first thing I did was check that nothing was broken. The second thing I did was reach for the sponge and cleanser on the edge of the tub and gave it a good cleaning. The third thing I did was rinse and fill the bathtub with hot water. Then I soaked and while I soaked I thought about how to get out because although I had tub cleaner at my fingertips, I did not have a phone and no one was due home for hours and my daughter would be waiting for me to pick her up from school.
Soon after, I started trying various ways to get up. Now, pure grit and determination have gotten me through many a dire situation in the past, but not this time. My attempts failed over and over and I fell again. My rough guess was that at least 2.5 hours had passed. My heart was beating so hard I could feel my throat pulsing. I started to cry. I kept seeing my little girl waiting for me and not knowing what to do when I did not show up. Visualizing her outside the school waiting, I said over and over, "Just stay there, honey, just stay there, just wait."
And then the strangest thing happened. In the middle of my frantic attempts and my hot tears, a little voice inside me said, "Just stay there. You. Just stay there and wait." So I did. I stayed there. I sat in the water and just breathed and lowered my heart rate and a gentle calm came over me and I thought, "If I want to get out of here, I have one option: to get out of this tub like I used to before the rods broke and my rotator cuff tore and my wrists broke down."
I put everything in place and gave it a try. I was surprised at how close I came. I sat back down in the water, breathed deeply, and this time when I got close I used the grit I had left and succeeded. "I did it," I said out loud, half elated, half surprised.
To me, this story is not about how tough I may or may not be although I am sure it can read that way. For me, this story is about how I thought I had lost who I once was, but had not. She is still here. This story is about how sometimes there is more than one way to do something. It is about listening to my inner sovereign and very literally listening to the beat of my heart and being open to new (and old) possibilities.
I have been a fan of Sarah Slean for years, but today this song has a different significance to me:
"Wanna be free, free to let go
Let all that is good inspire me
And I keep running on empty
Thinking maybe I'll see a sign
But if I open up my heart
Someone will say Amen, Amen."
~ Sarah Slean, "Amen" www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-jKsleZpxc
Today I am darn sore and slow moving, but awake and free like I have not been in some time. I wish the same for you. If you find yourself in a crisis or difficult situation, just stay there for a moment, breathe, and listen. Maybe someone will hear you and say Amen.
wishing you the beauty of an open heart,
hk
p.s. Oh, in case you care, my roots worked out and my hair looks beautiful!
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